Destructogasm

New work coming soon

2011-12-30T12:48:00.002-06:00

So I can't dispute that 2011 has been a very heavy year. Personally I would say that 2011 was the worst year of my life. Fortunately 2011 is also nearly finished. 2012 is going to kick ass. I've been working quite a lot lately. Trying to get a full illustration a week done (ya know, like an adult) here's a little sample. Sorry the picture quality is shit. I took it with my cell phone. I have a back log of stuff that needs to be scanned and once that happens you should be seeing a lot of awesome new work. Hope everyone out there has a good (and safe) New Years. Lots of love.

Here's the thing...

2011-10-21T14:03:00.002-05:00

Alright, I’ve been negligent in posting on here. I’ve been busy with school and activism and whatnot. Still kinda coming down from a rather heavy mental health break (also a regular health break). It’s been a heavy year to say the least and it’s far from over, but I really think the worst of it is over.

I HAVE BEEN DOING ARTWORK! In fact I just have been backed up on putting it up. Mostly because I’ve had the fear of god put in me on the subject of posting art online without putting a watermark or a copyright on it. I still have a ton of things I have to take down, copyright, and repost. But here’s something. A very large and ambitious tattoo I did for my ex (we we’re dating at the time that I did do this). Enjoy.

Also please stay tuned. Artwork for The Odds: Book 2 will be coming soon (for real this time).

I'm not dead by the way.

2011-09-06T00:58:00.002-05:00

Well that's ALMOST a month. So yes I have been doing new work (including work on The Odds) and another big bit of news: I'm walking again. Still dealing with jerking off the insurance company, but it's nice to have that part of myself back. I'm taking a couple classes at MCTC and am actively looking for steady work (if anyone hears of anything let me know. This little pic is for a project I'm doing for my typography class. More work on the way.

Every Issue...

2011-07-25T15:45:00.005-05:00

Wow. 2 updates in the same month? I know right? Well the thing is I have kind of a lot of work that I’ve been producing since the accident. I’ve been finally scanning it in now so hopefully I’ll be a much more frequent poster than I have been for the past several months.

I’m really surprised I never bothered to put this up. This is the T-shirt design for the 2011 Twin Cities Dyke March. I was hoping for something that would outdo last year’s design, but what came out was so different it’s hard to even really compare the two. Also I couldn’t really come up with a neat visual depiction of “Every Issue is a Queer Issue” so I just decided to take it in a more graphic direction. They actually sold obscenely well. Of the 2 prints we made I think we only have maybe 3 or 4 left that haven’t been sold. Also everyone really seemed to dig the concept of writing on their shirts.

www.rebeccaphoto.wordpress.com
rjlawrencephotography@gmail.com

Gingers do it Better

2011-07-21T22:10:00.004-05:00

Hey all. Been a hell of a year. Let me see if I can kinda catch folks up. I’m walking (ish), I now have a lawyer, I broke up with my partner (which has been hard), I designed the T-shirt for this years Twin Cities Dyke March (Second year in a row) and it sold obscenely well. I lost my job. I’m on my way back to school this fall, and there is just a great deal of change in my life.
I’ve done a whole lot of new art and I’m getting it all scanned in now. In the mean time here’s something that I just finally finished. My very first submission for Threadless. It’s called “Waxing & Waning” and I hope it gets in. Voting should start on it in the next couple days so make sure you rank it high (like a 5). You can vote for it here.

Feel the Magic

2011-05-26T18:12:00.002-05:00

Holy crap, I’m almost getting to doing monthly posts. That’s pretty astonishing. I have been producing a lot of work actually (some even on The Odds) but the lack of a scanner prevents me from showing a lot of it to you. Hopefully that’ll get fixed soon.
So here’s what’s going on. Still recovering from surgery, actually just had a follow up today with a new x-ray and it looks like everything’s healing nicely. Ill be able to start putting weight on it at the end of June. The drivers insurance has been not too nice, almost to the point of saying they wont be giving me a dime. The idea of suing them has come up more than a few times.
In the mean time everyone should attend Glamboree Vol. 2, brought to you by your friendly neighborhood TC Avengers. This Wednesday (Jun. 1st.) at the Exchange (see poster for info, also I designed it). There will be more info on Dyke March as it approaches but this year’s theme is “Every Issue is a Queer Issue.”

CONSENT IS SEXY!

2011-04-14T20:24:00.003-05:00

I think it’s high time I took responsibility for this image. I made it about a year ago as a promotion for the 2010 Twin Cities Dyke March. Before I was nervous that it was going to pigeonhole me into being a “Sex Artist” but now I don’t know what the fuck was I so afraid of. I drew the fucking consenticorn! It’s actually gotten to the point where other people have been using this image so I feel I need to leave my mark on it now if that’s gonna be the case.
In other news. I HAD SURGERY! Yup. Turns out the docs at the ER can’t read a damn x-ray and when I finally got into the orthopedics office for a follow up I found out the bone in my leg had descended and need emergency surgery. I now have pins and a plate and my leg and a hole that will soon be a big ass scar. Can’t wait to show that one off. But, hey, I am still alive. I have to get a lawyer, which is rough but I will get through this and all the family and friends who’ve given support. FUCK YEAH! You all are awesome!

But at least I'm alive

2011-03-28T20:32:00.003-05:00

Hey folks. So here’s what’s been going on with me. Back in September I got a job at Hot Comics and Collectibles. In November I started dating my current partner Jamie and things have been going great with that. At the beginning of February I lost virtually all my hours at the comic shop. Got depressed. Found a new job and now I work in the warehouse at Art Materials in Uptown. Last Thursday (March 24^th.) I was hit by a car while biking, and now I can’t work for the foreseeable future. I’m not in a lot of pain but I can barely leave my apartment (by the way thanks to everyone who come by, you’ve been amazing). But I can’t look at this as a bad thing. I’m going to take this forced leave of absence as an opportunity to reinvest myself into my artwork. Specifically by the time I’m recovered I hope to have a solid script for the remainder of THE ODDS. and have a solid tattoo portfolio to shop around town. Someone kick me if that doesn’t happen.

Stay tuned

2010-10-17T15:42:00.001-05:00

Cirque Du SoGay

2010-09-23T18:39:00.003-05:00

So that’s almost 2 weeks right? So here is a poster I illustrated a couple weeks back for the Cirque Du SoGay bike race. You can get the info here. Type design by Elliot Jobe.

AAAAAAND WE'RE BACK!!!

2010-09-05T11:54:00.001-05:00

Hip Hop Against Homophobia
Originally uploaded by destructogasm

Alright, I don’t really have any good excuse for not updating my blog here. I suppose the fact that I’ve been buried in my own life is about the best I can come up with. It’s been a long long summer. I broke up with my girlfriend. I started payments on my student loans. I moved and I finally found a job after my seemingly endless search. Hopefully getting over the hump of most of this massive life changes I can finally get back to some kind of regularity. I’m hoping that might include semi regular posts (about every 2 weeks) but generally I don’t like to put up posts without some new work to show with it.
Well this is sort of new (as in from July). It’s a poster I designed for Camp Trans benefit Hip-Hop Against Homophobia. Today I’m working on another poster for the queer Minneapolis bike race, Cirque du SoGay. I should be posting that one soon as well.

Gully Foyle is my Name and Terra is my Nation

2010-05-06T23:44:00.002-05:00

Here’s something in the way of a confidence boost. I just finished this book cover for “The Stars My Destination” by Alfred Bester and for once, I’m actually proud of something I did. SHOCKER! That might have something to do with the fact that I’ve have the idea for this illustration in my head for 2 years ever since I finished “The Stars My Destination” and never had the time (ok I’ve had tons of free time. I mean the confidence) to actually just whip it out. Also MCAD is having me show at the annual portfolio day tomorrow so what the hell. It’s a good excuse to make some new work.
Speaking of new work, I’m STILL LOOKING FOR A FUCKING JOB! It’s almost been 6 months since graduation, meaning my student loans are about to go into repayment. I’m not even being picky anymore, I’m seriously at the end of my rope and just need a regular pay check. Outside of that, as far as updates go I am now living with my wonderful girlfriend Jacquie and have been for about 2 months now. She’s in the midst of finals and stressing the fuck out. She needs a break. I guess it’ll be Friday when I post this so my oldest friend Danielle will be graduating today which is exciting cause it means she’ll be moving back to Minneapolis in a few months.
Oh, and one more thing, me and my friends at the Twin Cities Avengers want you to come to Dyke March on June 26th at 7PM that congregates on the steps of the Walker Art Center. It’s a fun and fabulous demonstration against the over commercialized aspects of PRIDE. This years theme is “Consent is Sexy” teaching us all that we should ask before we grab some tail. Hope to see you there. (By the way you don't need to be a Dyke to march. Everyone's invited)

What the hell happened?

2010-04-02T15:48:00.002-05:00

I know. I know. I know. I suck at maintaining a blog (by the way my spell check says that isn’t a word. interesting). Well here’s my life in a nut shell for that past four months.
I graduated from MCAD and because the job I had was pretty much based on the pretense that I’m a student, I am now a bum. Stupidly I took a month to sit on my ass instead of looking for work and now I share my time between looking for work and mopping around my apartment depressed because work cannot be found. My girlfriend (and her cat) moved in with me so I guess I’m livin’ in sin (at least as far as my parents are concerned). Now we start the rigorous task of unpacking. I’ve been working mostly in my sketch book but am hoping to actually put out a decent portfolio piece at some point (yeeeeeeah). Here’s a little doodle I just pulled out of my ass of Adam West. Don’t ask me why I did a doodle of Adam West. I also realized that virtually none of the work I’ve put up in my last several posts have been in color. I hope to remedy that soon.
For now the job hunt continues and I continue to look for good excuses to leave the apartment once in a while. Hopefully I’ll get back on the whole one-post-a-week wagon but who knows.

Side effects may vary.

2009-12-18T13:59:00.003-06:00

I just realized I never posted these illustrations I did a few months ago on some of the possible side effects of Viagra.

Since it was originally being designed as a blood pressure medication and its common use was really just a side effect of that, Viagra can give you a fatal decrease of blood pressure in your heart.

By far one of the most odd and kinda flat out scary side effects is that the blood pressure effects can actually decrease blood pressure in the capillaries of the eyes, specifically the ones that control the red rods and making everything look blue. The same effect can also potentially blind you.

I went to college for four years and all I got was this lousy comic book.

2009-12-16T14:32:00.002-06:00

So for all of you who were out of state of simply didn’t get to see my senior show, here your chance to read my senior project (or what all you folks who go to normal college might call a “thesis”). In case you never bothered to ask what my senior project is about, it’s about the fetishizing of money in a capitalist society told in a crime noir setting, or if I were to cut the bullshit, it’s about a career criminal who gets in too deep with the wrong people
Download it here.
(Adobe Acrobat or Adobe Reader is require to view the file)

THIS IS IT!

2009-12-06T15:37:00.002-06:00

The culmination of four months of work is currently on display in the MCAD main gallery and will be until Sunday, December 13^th. I want everyone who can to go and see it and tell me what you think (even if you think it fucking sucks). Take a business card and check out the rest of the Commencement Exhibition from all of the winter ’09 grads.

For those of you who can’t make it and still want to read the comic, I will be putting the whole thing online soon in a PDF format.

Inks complete

2009-11-28T00:46:00.002-06:00

The Odds Page 8 (Sans Letters)
Originally uploaded by destructogasm

More fruits of my seemingly endless effort. Now that the final deadline is less than a week away, the next post will most likely contain pictures from the fully displayed senior show. I graduate in 2 weeks and so far I haven’t had the opportunity to seek out any real post-graduate prospects (for those who have asked I do not intend to go to grad school).
As far as the comic itself goes the only tasks that remain are lettering and printing. I pretty much just summed up my weekend right there.

Getting to know the dark side

2009-11-08T13:03:00.002-06:00

Here's a quick warm up doodle I did. Alright now I gotta go be productive.

Dialogue

2009-11-05T17:18:00.002-06:00

Wrote all the rough dialogue for The Odds. Let the editing begin!!!

Here comes the Ass Hole

2009-11-03T21:22:00.002-06:00

Well it’s nice being back on here trying to update this thing with something that resembles regularity. There’s a bit more than a month left before I graduate and almost a month exactly before I need to have my senior show completely mounted. Regardless of how much or how little I have left to do (it could feel like either one depending on my mood that day) it still feels like the deadline is too soon. Maybe that’s a good thing though, keeps me motivated. On the negative side I’ve developed a rather strong addiction to caffeine and I’ve developed some annoying health concerns (I may be allergic to stress) but I need to soldier the fuck on.

Here’s a panel from may senior project showing the main character, Steven McCoy doing what it is he does best: being an ass hole.

So here's what I've been up to.

2009-10-29T14:03:00.001-05:00

Tegan and Sara Concert Poster
Originally uploaded by destructogasm

I have a little over a month before I graduate and still have a great deal of work left on my senior project. Trying to remain confident that I will complete everything right in the knick of time, fortunately I have a little extra free time now that I’ve completed my five week poster illustration course. Pictured is my final for that class. One of my first serious tries at acrylic paint since high school, I think it came out pretty well.
I’m going to this concert by the way with my friend, Katie. It seems like forever since the last concert I’ve gone to. To an extent I’ve quite drinking having any type of active night or social life for the past few months due to senior project, so it’s nice to have something to look forward to. Concerning the actual T&S album, Sainthood, that just recently came out, I’ve listened through it a couple times and have really enjoyed it with the exception of “On Directing” which seems to be this album’s requisite annoying angst ballad.
There’s going to be more updates on the way. Mostly concerning my senior project especially as the finished art starts to come in.
By the way I’d love to get some more comments in on here, just to know if people are still reading it or not. More comments mean more posts.

The Odds AKA the reason i have no life.

2009-10-20T19:16:00.002-05:00

For the past 2 months the majority of my efforts have gone into the creation of a 16 page crime comic titled "The Odds." Here's a panel from it featuring the comics main character, Steven McCoy. The basic plot is that Steven here is a genius counterfeiter, as well as a compulsive gambler. When it's discovered that Steven has payed his significant gambling debts with fake money, his life takes a very dangerous turn with very dangerous people. That's all I'm going to say here cause I want people to READ IT!

In case you need a reminder.

2009-10-18T00:40:00.002-05:00

How long has it been?

2009-10-15T11:33:00.003-05:00

So considering this has basically become my official website I should probably use it once in a while and post some new work. This is a piece I did for my tools of the trade class. I really like how It turned out.

Outside of the I'm in the midst of my Senior project (more details on that to come).

So I actually am producing some work this year...

2009-04-07T01:26:00.003-05:00

Due to the fact that I maxed out the memory on my school computer account I had to move a chunk of the work that was only on there onto my laptop. Which kinda freaks me out since i don't have an external HD (need to get one kinda soonish).
Anyways here's a piece I did about a month ago for my illustration class. It's meant to accompany a magazine article about how to read difficult books. unfortunately my work in that class since than hasn't been able to match this (mainly due to time constraints). I will be posting more work with a bit more frequency now that I have a chunk of it on my laptop.

I suck

2009-03-26T11:25:00.002-05:00

I can't believe how long its been since i posted on this thing. I have a ton of new work I've done (not all of which I'm proud of) that has yet to be put up. Fortunately next week is spring break and I hope to get some work up then. Here's a page from "MNEME" (pronounced "nee-mee") which is a graphic novel I'm going to be doing for my senior project which god willing, will be done withing the year. I still have to finish writing the script which is one of the big things I hope to get done during break.

The Fruits of my Labors

2009-02-05T11:56:00.003-06:00

I've been trying for more than a day to get this image up but every single time I try to upload it the colors get fucked up. I finally just had to cave and use the Save for Web tool which is the reason the green looks really dead. The original black and white ink drawing is about 17x24.

Lost @ MCAD

2009-02-04T14:26:00.003-06:00

Go to this.

Back at school

2009-01-26T12:22:00.003-06:00

So after another one of my habitual hiatuses (is that the plural to hiatus?) I'm back at school. And though it doesn't seem that I'm going to put up anymore weeklies I'll try to stay reasonably up to date on whatever new stuff I might be coming out with. Here's some class work from my illustration 2 course. The assignment was to make 3 illustrations of something we love in 4 hours. I picked music.

What's this? A new Destructogasm?

2008-12-23T00:04:00.002-06:00

Though I've come pretty close, I haven't done nothing since the semester ended. I was able to produce a brand new weekly (though at this point it's more like a monthly) comic.

FREEDOM!

2008-12-14T12:48:00.002-06:00

This last Friday I passed the fabled threshold of the completion of the 15th. week of the semester. I'M FUCKING DONE! I'm currently naked and in bed writing this and ya know what? I feel pretty damn good about that. I have a 5 week break before my next semester at MCAD starts and I'm going to (try to) make the most out of it. I have a great deal of design, writing, and comics projects that have been on the back burners forever and I don't want to get rusty just because I'm not in school. Plus i really need to learn to work on my own steam. Anyways I figured I would let all 2 of you who read this blog that I'm not longer off the map and I'll be getting some new work online soon.

...But a mouse COULD kill a scorpion

2008-12-10T16:46:00.001-06:00

This was my final for intro to animation.

Fucking Finals

2008-12-01T14:00:00.002-06:00

So I'm currently balls deep in finals which is why there has been so little updates. My semester at MCAD ends Friday, December 12th. Until then here another page from sheepish for everyone to enjoy.

Black Jack is

2008-11-24T14:16:00.002-06:00

He never gets the girl. Doesn’t have any friends. He wears a cape and a colonel sanders tie. And in spite of all of this, Black Jack still manages to be a complete and total BAD ASS! One of Osamu Tezuka’s better known creations. A rogue surgeon who always goes with his gut, and if need be HIS FISTS! Refusing to get a medical license because medical licenses are for bitches. Check out the new prints of Black Jack for Vertical Inc. (with exceptionally well designed covers).

2008-11-19T10:06:00.001-06:00

Go to this

Sheepish

2008-11-18T21:39:00.003-06:00

Since I haven't posted anything new this week I figured I'd put up something that I'll be printing soon. It's called sheepish. It's about being transgender. Read it when it comes out.

newgasm

2008-11-16T18:10:00.003-06:00

I have been super lazy this entire weekend. I have gotten very little done. Well i did clean a good chunk of the apartment today so I guess that's something. Anyways right now you're lloking at the first destructogasm that I did not do for class. Actually I haven't shown it to anyone before hand so it's brand new on the web. Hopefully there will be a new one tomorrow as well ( really have to get to work).

Whatever Happened to Waffle Crisp?

2008-11-15T16:56:00.001-06:00

Lori and I went to Tegan and Sara and..

2008-11-14T15:04:00.002-06:00

Now in High Definition

2008-11-13T02:18:00.003-06:00

This is the first destructogasm that wasn't in ballpoint pen. Sorry to everyone who had to suffer through that but destructogasm is now finally readable.

Idea man

2008-11-12T00:17:00.001-06:00

I think it's possible that I've come to a point in my life were i need to make the investment into a much needed night stand.

It was funny the first time

2008-11-11T00:07:00.002-06:00

XXL Destructogasm

2008-11-10T11:07:00.003-06:00

Just to prove I do read my comments, Destructogasm is now going to be in a larger format so you don't have to click on it to get the full size image. I know some of these might be a little hard to read too cause my hand writing is shit. At the time I did these I was just using ball point pen and though I think it conveys a certain interesting aethetic, it also smudges like crazy and doesn't reproduce for shit if it's scanned. The ones I'm doing now are done with fixed width pen and a brush pen and they're written a lot more legibly. So don't worry, those are coming.

Burning through the back log

2008-11-09T11:03:00.004-06:00

I know I just posted three comics yesterday but I'm just gradually getting the back log online. I eventually hope this will be a weekly comic (and for it to be on a legitimate website instead of just a blog). But until the backlog's all up you'll all be treated to a daily (or semi daily) dose of destructogasm.

Destructogasm: the comic

2008-11-08T19:07:00.001-06:00

For the maybe one person who's actually read my blog it will please you to know that I'm going to start updating on a more regular basis (that's to say that there will be updates for once). During this semester at school I've been taking a class on comic publishing. Part of this class was to make a weekly diary comic. We only needed to make ten for class which I have done but I hope to keep on making this with about the same amount of regularity. A weekly comic chronicling little samples of my life of varying truthfulness and zero objectivity.
Enjoy.

I'll let this one speak for itself

2008-11-08T19:01:00.002-06:00

A Day at the Gun Range

2008-11-08T19:00:00.002-06:00

The Fact of the Matter Is...

2008-11-08T18:58:00.003-06:00

The Ten Worst Movies I've Ever Seen

2008-08-04T18:09:00.001-05:00

I know there’s that saying “nobody tries to make a shitty movie, some just turn out that way.” Well here’s a list that makes me wonder how the hell that could be at all true. These are the ten worst movies I’ve ever seen. And these movies aren’t just bad, these are the movies where when it was over I literally wished I could get that time in my life back. Keep in mind there are probably a few movies I have seen that I’m just not remembering right now so this might get updated. Also I’ve never seen a movie by Uwe Boll so none of his movies are on here however from what I’ve heard looking at his imdb credits I’m pretty fucking sure had I seen any of these movies they would be on here. This list goes in order of how shitty the movies are. The lower the summer the worse it is.

10: Clerks 2
I know a lot of people love Kevin Smith and talk about his quirky poignant dialogue but can someone explain to me what’s quirky and poignant about two of the most annoying characters ever created in film discussing the etiquette of ass to mouth and then watching a guy fuck a donkey? I maybe I would have found this funny when I was like 12 but now I think it’s pretty god damn sick.

9: Magnolia
This is one of the three Paul Thomas Anderson movies I’ve ever seen. This movie was actually nominated for three Oscars, though I have no idea why. Magnolia is almost three hours long and the whole movie is painfully boring. I honestly think all of Paul Thomas Anderson’s movies are pretty boring (yes, even There Will Be Blood and Punch Drunk Love) but this movie takes the cake. It’s got some amusing parts with Tom Cruise’s psychotic character but considering the paralyzing effect the rest of the movie has you can’t even really muster a laugh. The best you can do is maybe make an approving grunt that kind of sounds like “ha” but that’s it. This movie actually kills laughter.

8: Coffee and Cigarettes
Nothing happens in Coffee and Cigarettes. And I’m not kidding. Nothing happens! It is 95 minutes of celebrities talking about nothing. I would have felt more productive masturbating for 95 minutes. At least there’s some satisfaction to that.

7: Alien: Resurrection
I hate Joss Weadon. I think his movies suck. I think his TV shows suck. I think his comics suck. I can’t stand his die hard fans. And the worst thing he’s ever done (and even many of his biggest fans will agree) is Alien: Resurrection. I know my best friend likes this movie because Winona Ryder’s in it. I’ll give her that, Winona Ryder looks pretty damn hot in this. This movie is the most unfortunate sequel in the series. Granted Alien 3 wasn’t the greatest movie ever made but it gave the series closure. There was absolutely no reason for this movie to even be made.

6: Mortal Kombat: Annihilation
General rule of thumb: when you base a movie on a video game the odds are that it will bomb. But when you take a game like Mortal Kombat, which is really just known for its obscenely violent game play and then rate it PG-13, you know it’s gonna be trouble. Not to mention this is a sequel to an already shitty movie. But compared to this, the first Mortal Kombat is Oscar material. However I should think of a better term than “Oscar material” due to the critical acclaim of…

5: Crash
I’m going to go ahead and make a rash blanket statement (which is obviously so unlike me): ALL MOVIES ABOUT RACE SUCK! I’m not talking about movies where race is an issue or is just brought up (Inside Man was fucking greatness), I’m talking about the movies where afterward you hear the stupid bitch sitting in front of you saying “Oh my god. Racism is so horrible. Why do people have to hate each other?” These are the movies that make me glad that I’m devoid of liberal guilt. If anything this movie makes me want to be more racist. It definitely makes me racist against writer/director Paul Haggis who by the way is white as fuck. His actual race is irrelevant though since I consider this guy to be his own race of assholes who capitalize on white guilt. The fact that this won best picture in 2006 shocks me. The fact that this is lower on the list than Mortal Kombat: Annihilation should be some indication.

4: Equilibrium
I just saw this movie recently and I really just can’t stop ragging on it. It’s a rip-off of pretty much every sci-fi action movie ever made. The acting marks career lows for virtually the entire cast and the plot is paper-thin. Here’s just an example: the government kills people on sight for smiling, and then kills puppies (I really wish I was joking). I wonder who the bad guys are supposed to be? This movie was written and directed by Kurt Wimmer who has unfortunately been slated to direct the film adaptation of Metal Gear Solid. Which is a massive blow for me cause of my affinity for that franchise and that fact that I’m probably going to see it when it comes out.

3: Batman and Robin
Joel Schumacher’s adaptations of Batman serve only one purpose: taking a character that’s been loved and endured in multiple mediums for most of the last century and making him a laughing stock. Granted the 1960’s TV series was essentially a comedy but at least it had heart. Batman and Robin has one singular redeeming quality: it sucked so bad that it forced Warner Bros. to kick the entire franchise to the curb and start the whole thing from scratch. For years I considered this the worst comic book movie ever made. That was until…

2: Catwoman
Let me give you a quick summation of this film. Halle Berry gets powers from a cat burping on her face (yeah). She then uses said powers to fight her former boss, Sharon Stone, before she’s able to distribute a skin melting beauty product. If the plot alone isn’t enough to make this movie want to make you drown cute animals then how about the piss poor acting? Maybe the lame music? How about the cinematography (zero is too many times to pan in on Sharon Stone’s face). If that’s not enough the director’s name is Pitof (no last name. I guess he’s the Cher of shitty eurotrash movie directors)

1: Ultraviolet
The worst movie I’ve ever seen. Milla Jovovich is a vampire, but they don’t call her a vampire they call her a “hemophage.” She lives in a world where vampires are pariahs (ah, poor vampires) and people are obsessed with shit being clean. Oh and by the way, the main character is morally conflicted. Sure she is. You know this because there are about three times in this movie where she just stands there, thinks about the decision she just made and says, “what am I doing?” Which gives me some comfort because I have no clue what the hell she’s supposed to be doing either. So at least the characters are as clueless as the audience is to what the hell is going on. I guess this is based on a comic book but it’s not based on one I’ve ever heard of. Cheesy stylized action in the tradition of so many Matrix rip-offs (which we only though was cool in the Matrix because we had never seen it before). This movie has quite a few similarities to Equilibrium. Maybe that’s because they were both written and directed by the same fucking guy. Unlike Equilibrium though you can actually tell the point of the movie where they actually run out of money for special effects, which really puts a damper on the whole thing since most of the movie is just special effects. This movie is a complete waste of time, money, film, human resources, and anything else involved in the production, distribution, marketing, and watching of this movie. Don’t see Ultraviolet.

Cute girls with painfully mediocre boyfriends

2008-07-20T20:19:00.000-05:00

So maybe it's cause it's summer but it seems to me that there are a lot more couples out. Now I'm not super poised to stop being single or anything but I gotta say it's kinda disconcerting seeing super cute girls being all cuddly with the most generic guys. There seems to be some serious gender imbalance in place here. I really enjoy being contradicted about it though. Like on the rare occasion where you got the cute girl with the guy who seems to have been genetically engineered to be exactly one half of an awesome fucking couple. I don't know if that's just me but I really like to be able to say that I can totally see why she's fucking him.