Monday, August 4, 2008

The Ten Worst Movies I've Ever Seen

I know there’s that saying “nobody tries to make a shitty movie, some just turn out that way.” Well here’s a list that makes me wonder how the hell that could be at all true. These are the ten worst movies I’ve ever seen. And these movies aren’t just bad, these are the movies where when it was over I literally wished I could get that time in my life back. Keep in mind there are probably a few movies I have seen that I’m just not remembering right now so this might get updated. Also I’ve never seen a movie by Uwe Boll so none of his movies are on here however from what I’ve heard looking at his imdb credits I’m pretty fucking sure had I seen any of these movies they would be on here. This list goes in order of how shitty the movies are. The lower the summer the worse it is.

10: Clerks 2
I know a lot of people love Kevin Smith and talk about his quirky poignant dialogue but can someone explain to me what’s quirky and poignant about two of the most annoying characters ever created in film discussing the etiquette of ass to mouth and then watching a guy fuck a donkey? I maybe I would have found this funny when I was like 12 but now I think it’s pretty god damn sick.

9: Magnolia
This is one of the three Paul Thomas Anderson movies I’ve ever seen. This movie was actually nominated for three Oscars, though I have no idea why. Magnolia is almost three hours long and the whole movie is painfully boring. I honestly think all of Paul Thomas Anderson’s movies are pretty boring (yes, even There Will Be Blood and Punch Drunk Love) but this movie takes the cake. It’s got some amusing parts with Tom Cruise’s psychotic character but considering the paralyzing effect the rest of the movie has you can’t even really muster a laugh. The best you can do is maybe make an approving grunt that kind of sounds like “ha” but that’s it. This movie actually kills laughter.

8: Coffee and Cigarettes
Nothing happens in Coffee and Cigarettes. And I’m not kidding. Nothing happens! It is 95 minutes of celebrities talking about nothing. I would have felt more productive masturbating for 95 minutes. At least there’s some satisfaction to that.

7: Alien: Resurrection
I hate Joss Weadon. I think his movies suck. I think his TV shows suck. I think his comics suck. I can’t stand his die hard fans. And the worst thing he’s ever done (and even many of his biggest fans will agree) is Alien: Resurrection. I know my best friend likes this movie because Winona Ryder’s in it. I’ll give her that, Winona Ryder looks pretty damn hot in this. This movie is the most unfortunate sequel in the series. Granted Alien 3 wasn’t the greatest movie ever made but it gave the series closure. There was absolutely no reason for this movie to even be made.

6: Mortal Kombat: Annihilation
General rule of thumb: when you base a movie on a video game the odds are that it will bomb. But when you take a game like Mortal Kombat, which is really just known for its obscenely violent game play and then rate it PG-13, you know it’s gonna be trouble. Not to mention this is a sequel to an already shitty movie. But compared to this, the first Mortal Kombat is Oscar material. However I should think of a better term than “Oscar material” due to the critical acclaim of…

5: Crash
I’m going to go ahead and make a rash blanket statement (which is obviously so unlike me): ALL MOVIES ABOUT RACE SUCK! I’m not talking about movies where race is an issue or is just brought up (Inside Man was fucking greatness), I’m talking about the movies where afterward you hear the stupid bitch sitting in front of you saying “Oh my god. Racism is so horrible. Why do people have to hate each other?” These are the movies that make me glad that I’m devoid of liberal guilt. If anything this movie makes me want to be more racist. It definitely makes me racist against writer/director Paul Haggis who by the way is white as fuck. His actual race is irrelevant though since I consider this guy to be his own race of assholes who capitalize on white guilt. The fact that this won best picture in 2006 shocks me. The fact that this is lower on the list than Mortal Kombat: Annihilation should be some indication.

4: Equilibrium
I just saw this movie recently and I really just can’t stop ragging on it. It’s a rip-off of pretty much every sci-fi action movie ever made. The acting marks career lows for virtually the entire cast and the plot is paper-thin. Here’s just an example: the government kills people on sight for smiling, and then kills puppies (I really wish I was joking). I wonder who the bad guys are supposed to be? This movie was written and directed by Kurt Wimmer who has unfortunately been slated to direct the film adaptation of Metal Gear Solid. Which is a massive blow for me cause of my affinity for that franchise and that fact that I’m probably going to see it when it comes out.

3: Batman and Robin
Joel Schumacher’s adaptations of Batman serve only one purpose: taking a character that’s been loved and endured in multiple mediums for most of the last century and making him a laughing stock. Granted the 1960’s TV series was essentially a comedy but at least it had heart. Batman and Robin has one singular redeeming quality: it sucked so bad that it forced Warner Bros. to kick the entire franchise to the curb and start the whole thing from scratch. For years I considered this the worst comic book movie ever made. That was until…

2: Catwoman
Let me give you a quick summation of this film. Halle Berry gets powers from a cat burping on her face (yeah). She then uses said powers to fight her former boss, Sharon Stone, before she’s able to distribute a skin melting beauty product. If the plot alone isn’t enough to make this movie want to make you drown cute animals then how about the piss poor acting? Maybe the lame music? How about the cinematography (zero is too many times to pan in on Sharon Stone’s face). If that’s not enough the director’s name is Pitof (no last name. I guess he’s the Cher of shitty eurotrash movie directors)

1: Ultraviolet
The worst movie I’ve ever seen. Milla Jovovich is a vampire, but they don’t call her a vampire they call her a “hemophage.” She lives in a world where vampires are pariahs (ah, poor vampires) and people are obsessed with shit being clean. Oh and by the way, the main character is morally conflicted. Sure she is. You know this because there are about three times in this movie where she just stands there, thinks about the decision she just made and says, “what am I doing?” Which gives me some comfort because I have no clue what the hell she’s supposed to be doing either. So at least the characters are as clueless as the audience is to what the hell is going on. I guess this is based on a comic book but it’s not based on one I’ve ever heard of. Cheesy stylized action in the tradition of so many Matrix rip-offs (which we only though was cool in the Matrix because we had never seen it before). This movie has quite a few similarities to Equilibrium. Maybe that’s because they were both written and directed by the same fucking guy. Unlike Equilibrium though you can actually tell the point of the movie where they actually run out of money for special effects, which really puts a damper on the whole thing since most of the movie is just special effects. This movie is a complete waste of time, money, film, human resources, and anything else involved in the production, distribution, marketing, and watching of this movie. Don’t see Ultraviolet.

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